(HYPNOS) мне малым-мало спалось (tw: violence, mentions of blood, implied aou spoilers)

[vdova]

[ There is nothing but blackness first, and the sound of something dragging and tapping on the floor. Multiple somethings, in fact, in rhythm with one another. One, two, three, one, two, three, odin, dva, tri. One of the noises falters, out of step, and someone barks out in Russian, causing the other noises to stop. ]

Again!

[ It takes a moment, but it starts again, but this time there's the heavy weight of anxiousness the air, an undercurrent of fear. Fear that if someone screws up again, they'll all be punished.

Light comes, then, blinding and bright, so bright it hurts to look. It subsides as quickly as it comes, a spotlight on a stage. There are twenty-eight girls, twenty-six brunettes with no faces, one blonde girl whose features are mostly blurred, and one redhead, very visibly Natasha Romanoff. All of them are dressed identically in black leotards, white tights, and white pointe shoes, and all of them are moving in robotic dance moves. Odin, dva, tri, odin, dva, tri.

From the back row, one by one, the girls begin to fall. Some just vanish, girls who broke and were discarded, some have their throats cut by some unseen force, others still keel over as if shot in the heart or head. All disappear until just the blonde girl and Natasha remain, the same three steps over and over. They move faster, more graceful, a hurried, frenzied dance, reaching for one another. Stopping suddenly, Natasha and the blonde girl grab one another’s throats, posed up on their toes, arms stretched almost past their means. It looks painful, but someone in the audience claps.

The curtain falls. The stage vanishes.

Natasha is standing in a courtyard, the snow falling silently around her. Two blurry figures stand nearby, an older woman and a man with long dark hair, silver glinting off his arm. Natasha is still dressed in her ballet clothes, though now they're stained deep crimson on the tights, blood blooming like a flower from the spatters on her calves and knees. She has a knife in her hand, and at her feet is the blonde girl, arms raised in a defensive position. The girl still breathes, and the old woman steps forward, features impassive. She reaches out with a gnarled hand to place it on Natasha's shoulder, looks up and nods to the man before speaking in soft, almost motherly tones. ] You must not fail us, Black Widow. You are our triumph. You, who would not break. She is broken. She does not matter. You know what you must do.

[ As the woman steps back, the world grows dark, and Natasha raises the knife.

Odin. Dva. Tri.

Natasha stands over the body, face spattered with blood, and she takes one more second, before raising the knife again, plunging it down with all her strength and a yell.

This time it’s the body of Clint Barton.

Natasha wakes up. ]

Comments

voice - private encryption;

[hacker]

[ Okay, that's— This shouldn't be happening. ]

Hey, that's— [ This shouldn't be happening. It's weird. It's wrong. It's not going to leave a happy Black Widow behind when she sees it. ] Wake up, Agent Romanoff.

text - private encryption;

[vdova]

[ Natasha's awake and has been since the dream ended. She doesn't respond to anyone right away—it's a good handful of hours before she even feels like listening and reading the messages people are leaving her, and another hour or so after that before she can bring herself to respond. When she does, it's by text. She doesn't feel like facing anyone right now. Not after this violation. ]

I remember her.

text - private encryption;

[hacker]

What was her name?

text - private encryption;

[vdova]

Yelena
Yelena Belova
I think she was born in the Ukraine, somewhere.
We were told to forget things like that, though, that we were all part of Soviet Supremecy.

[Not Here]

[ukase]

[Some of the best weapons came from the Soviets. Always interesting to watch them forged.]

text;

[ingrantitude]

[There's a part of him that will always hate the black widow because - she gets a saving grace, a lasting throw - and he doesn't but the thought of it being Skye or Fitz lying there and being told to kill them...]

Did you kill her?

text;

[vdova]

[ This is someone she doesn't want to answer at all, and when she gets around to reading her messages hours after she realizes her dream's been posted to the network, she almost deletes his without a second thought. But she's angry enough (at herself? at someone) to take it out on him. So she does. ]

Are you really that naive?

text;

[ingrantitude]

[Bond over terrible things that other people made us do.]

Of course.

[silence]

It was hard enough to cross off an animal. If I were in your place I'd be dead. Perhaps that will give you some comfort. You're stronger then me.

[the last part comes spilling out because...because no matter what anyone says or thinks Grant Ward has a heart. It is what will destroy him but it exists.]

text;

[vdova]

You expect sympathy from me?
You're not getting it.
You've made your bed. Lie in it.

fourth day. [PRIVATE]

[dislocked]

[ bucky watches impassively, quietly. natalia romanova is a force to be reckoned with, forged into a weapon beyond even the grasp of her previous masters. they are creatures bred to kill, birds of a deadly feature with blood on their hands. he does not sympathise.

natasha will find nothing useful to make out of another's sympathy. with her, it is understanding. In russian: ]

and now, you are their greatest nightmare.

fourth day. [PRIVATE]

[vdova]

[ She responds in kind, although it's a couple hours after she's seen the message that she responds. ]

I'm my own greatest nightmare.

fourth day. [PRIVATE]

[dislocked]

i know.

but we carry on. [ because that's what they are, right? that's how they've been, the people who do the terrible, terrible things when others can't. ]

fourth day. [PRIVATE]

[vdova]

Do we?

[ It's meant rhetorically, and she continues a couple seconds later. ]

It's all I can do. The worry is that people won't carry on with me.

voice;friendship is magic encryption

[starspangled]

Natasha? Natasha, say something.

voice;friendship is magic encryption

[vdova]

[ Steve gets the honor of being one out of two people who actually get to hear her during this debacle. Even if she still waits a long time to respond to him. It's obvious she's trying to hide the fact that she's not alright, a casual tone to her voice that comes off as almost too casual. ]

Well. At least it wasn't the one where I'm naked during a debriefing.

voice;friendship is magic encryption

[starspangled]

[There's the sound of him sighing when she responds, but it doesn't help. She's awake, so the worst should be over. But he knows from experience that that's not the case.]

Yeah. The hotel might not have recovered.

[He gives it right back to her. He has questions, a lot of them, but a part of him still feels guilty for asking. He wasn't meant to see this. No one was.]

Tell me what you need from me.

voice;friendship is magic encryption

[vdova]

[ She doesn't know how to answer that, and she's got half a mind to hang up on him because—because. But she doesn't. ] I don't know if there is anything. I don't know what I need.

video; private

[avengeme]

[he doesn't have all the details of her past. But he guessed. They all guessed as much. But to see it revealed for all to see is harsh. So he responds, keeping his voice light and with a wry smile on his face]

Barton's probably gonna have a thing or two to say about that.

text; private

[vdova]

He knows.

[ About her past. About her nightmares, too. ]

text; private

[avengeme]

Yeah I figured as much.

Anything I can do?

voice; private

[technologist]

[ He's gotten the gist of things by the time he replies — the whole dream situation, anyway. That doesn't mean this feels remotely okay. Fitz considers responding once, twice, each time biting nervously at his nails before deleting the texts. When he finally commits to it, he flips it to voice and speaks before he can second guess it. ]

But you're an Avenger, now.

[ That means something. He says it like it's a reassurance, like it's something worthwhile; she's moved on, she's better than all of this, she's a hero. He seems convinced of it, at least. ]

text; private

[vdova]

I am now, yes.

[ His conviction is a little alarming, but in a good way. He makes the count four, now, of the number of people who are adamant about not thinking of her differently now that they know. It's four more people than she would have guessed.

She still doesn't feel ready to face any of them but Steve and Clint, though. ]

I wonder, though, what that means. If it's what I'm meant to do at all.

voice; private

[technologist]

[ It's a little odd, speaking in response to text, but he doesn't switch it back just yet. There's still a short delay on his end as he mulls her response over, and his voice is comfortable when he continues, thoughtful. ]

What else would you be doing?

text; private

[busdriver]

[She hesitates over the method of communication, trying to do the considerate thing. Text doesn't feel too impersonal. In point of fact, she's betting that after a broadcast like that, it might be polite to maintain a little distance. Natasha deserves some space, whether she uses it to put her walls back up or not. May isn't sure if she should even expect a reply. She'd know better than to take it personally, if this one goes unanswered.]

Most people want to do more good than harm, on balance.
You've done a lot of good.

text; private

[vdova]

I've done a lot more bad than good.