checkin | [hypnos]

[Her room smells like death, a scent that you know intimately enough to recognize it. She spent all last night coughing and struggling to breathe, and sleep, death's closest relative, didn't come to either of you. It's almost time and the both of you know it, so you square your skinny shoulders like you can carry the weight of the world when you go to her.]

"Come here, Sunshine Boy. I want to tell you something." [And you go, your heart pounding like a hurricane in your chest, like it's trying to shatter your ribs and tear free. It would hurt less.] "Your life is always going to be a difficult one, but don’t let that harden your heart." [You promise her. It's a fight that you'll fight for the rest of your life. Soon, she gives up hers, and the humble apartment falls into silence.]

[Her name is Annie, a brunette with chestnut curls and the bluest eyes you've ever seen. She's always at the dances that your best pal drags you to, but you've never seen her dance. You think that somehow makes your chances better, so you spend the better part of an hour gathering the courage that comes to you so easily in an alleyway. You ask her to dance to something slow, something you know your imperfect lungs can keep up with. She laughs. Her friends laugh too.[]

Don't let that harden your heart.

[An arm is flung around your shoulders, a warm, familiar weight.] "C'mon Steve, you don't need her. Let's get out of here."

[There's a certain amount of horseplay to be expected in an Army barrack. Guys goofing off, throwing something from one soldier to the next. You try to get it back from them, try to fight them and tell them that that book was your father's, one of the few things of his that you have. But you're already so out of breath, turning from one to the next, reaching for the precious book when all they have to do is lift their arm to keep it from you. And you know that any second, one of those fragile pages will rip, or they could all pull loose from the spine.]

"Come on guys, we're all on the same side."

Your life is always going to be a difficult one.

[The serum floods your body, and for a few blinding moments all you know is pain. But your shoulders get broader. Your lungs get stronger. It's not so hard to breathe anymore. Things will be easier now.

You lift up the shield just before the tomato strikes it.]

Come on guys, we're all on the same side-

"That's all that's left of the 107th. The rest were killed or captured."

[Your heart stops, and doesn't beat again until you find him strapped to a table, until you can slide your warm arm around those trembling shoulders, lifting him up the way he always lifted you.] "C'mon Buck. Let's get out of here."

[When he falls, your promise to your Ma becomes a lot harder to keep. You realize that it's possible for a heart to be too strong, because it should've stopped beating with his.]

"I'm not gonna stop until all of Hydra is dead or captured."

[And then you have one by the throat, his helmet falling to the ground, the Hydra symbol still gleaming in your periphery.]

Sunshine Boy...

[You wonder if he can smell death too, tinged with enough sweetness to make a person sick at their stomach. He's struggling to breathe, but your lungs work just fine now. And your shoulders are strong enough to lift him right off his feet.]

Your life is always going to be a difficult one.

[Your grip tightens.]

But don't let it-

[Your heart is always pounding when you wake up. And it's always harder to breathe.]

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

You're not going to hurt me.

[Steve's quick to reassure him, because he's picked up on that fear, the one where Bucky thinks he could pick right back up from where they left off back on the helicarrier. Or maybe there's something new waiting for him, hidden so deep inside of Bucky that he doesn't even know about it himself. Hydra was good at burying nasty little surprises.

He reaches out, cupping his face to gently turn it, until Bucky's eyes meet his.]

You help me, Buck. You heal me. I need you.

[ The magnitude of Steve's trust in him is staggering; here he is, just as open and determined and gentle as he was when they were in that helicarrier and everything had gone to hell all around them. He remembers the chaos, the anger and fear and Steve Rogers, the eye in the storm, the calm center of it all.

Bucky had been genuinely about to kill him, and the thought of it haunts him up until now.

He's still afraid, and it's a bone-deep terror of hurting the people that he loves, Steve most especially. What if there's something hidden within him that's still undiscovered? What if he ends up hurting him again?

Bucky only looks back at Steve when he feels that hand on his face, strong but still so very gentle, and his heart skips a beat. He heals him? He needs him? He laughs a little but it's not mocking; it's only a choked, soft sound that comes out more... wrenching. ]

How did I heal you when I almost killed you? How can you need me when I'm --

[Bucky's panicking, doubting himself, a doubt that makes him unable to trust himself. Steve can see it his eyes, and retreat is only a few breaths away. He has to stop it, and Bucky showed him how. Steve leans in, pressing a kiss to his lips, soft and chaste, but holding it there until he feels Bucky calm. Until he feels his breath and heartbeat come slower. Easy.]

[ Oh.

Bucky's startled when Steve presses his lips to his, gentle and calming, and his eyes are wide in surprise before they slowly start to close, the sensation of the kiss a remarkably surprising way of calming him down.

Easy.

He's worked himself into a bit of a panic, but this -- this is fine. Steve calms him with incredible gentleness, and eventually, instead of pulling away, Bucky's hand comes to the back of Steve's neck and he kisses him right back, deciding to deepen the kiss when he parts his lips a little, greedy for more of what Steve can give him. ]

[Steve's a little surprised when he deepens the kiss. He hasn't really...well, it's a bit more advanced for him. But he understand now why the girls were always crazy for Bucky.

Steve places a hand over his chest, over his heart, and leaves it there when the kiss breaks. He smiles at him, glances down again, feeling heat and electricity and a happiness he can scarcely believe is real.]

Now don't go bragging to your friends.

[ Bucky had to stifle a small sound of amusement at that - he can't help it, okay, because you're such a punk about this, Rogers. They're pretty much fucked in almost every sense of the word because of this hotel but this, this is a little piece of something that no one can take away from him.

He purses his lips briefly, a glimpse of the old Bucky shining through. He deadpans. ] What friends? I'm stuck with you.

Yeah, you are.

[Steve looks way too happy about it too. Bucky, you're doubly screwed, but no more than you always were.]

[ YOU'RE NOT SUPPOSED TO LOOK THIS PLEASED WITH YOURSELF, ROGERS.

Bucky knows, though, even if he hasn't realized it yet -- he's always been screwed where Steve Rogers is concerned. But then again, there's something about the way he looks so happy that makes his heart tighten. Good thing. It's a good thing. ]

And you're one hell of a lot of trouble.

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